Brighton's Barmy Army - The Seagulls

Attack, attack, attack (it's what they lack)

You have to be careful when discussing Seagulls in Brighton and Hove, as in addition to referring to the city's number one criminal abomination of a team, it also refers to the large fluffy birds who will attack you if you even smell of food (though this could also refer to many girls exiting clubs at 4am). Be under no mistake, Brighton and Hove's seagulls are the best trained military attack units in the country. If they sense you have food anywhere about your person, they will dive at you from great height, throw their beaks around whatever edible goodies they think you have, and pull it right out of your hands. Fish (and chips) and seafood are obvious targets, but sandwiches, ice-creams, cake, candy floss, kebabs and doughnuts, anything is fair game for them.

And don't think you can fool them by bending forward over your food as you eat it, teams of 'advance attack' gulls will swoop down and get you to stand up to try and shoo them away, whilst the 'strike force' will then dive in and take the goodies. Whatever you do, don't try and fight them off, as then the 'rear gunners' will follow up and bombard you with seagull guano. Just give in to their superior intellects and let them take what they want.

There is only one known way to keep the seagulls away, and that is to be one of the city's tens of thousands of beggars. These people have developed, over many years, and using trial and error, a disgusting odour which as repulsive as it is to humans, is also excellent at keeping hungry seabirds at bay. You might think they smell like a cross between a donkey's ass and a piss-encrusted toilet, due to them having not seen the wet side of a shower in 8 months, but this is a ploy to ensure they get to keep any money or goods they manage to purloin from the clutches of their nemeses, the gulls.